I Didn’t Sign Up For This.

When I married my husband we were living in Los Angeles.  Both of us commuted to our jobs, but that’s what everyone does.  My commute was a little over 45 minutes while his could be as easy as 15.  Then we had our son and I quit my job.  It was nice.  Some mornings my husband didn’t leave until almost ten o’clock.  He was always home by six and if he got out of a session early he made it home in time for Ellen!

Then our world turned upside down and we moved to the suburbs.

My step-daughter moved in with us full time and our little home became a little fuller.  My husband still commuted but we decided that it would be okay because he was freelance.  There would be stretches of two to three months where he would be home every day!  How lucky was I?!  At least that’s what I thought at first.  Then life settled and we added another baby.  My husband started working a little more here and a little more there.  Don’t get me wrong I’m very thankful for the jobs, we need the money, but I find myself thinking – I didn’t sign up for this.

I didn’t sign up to be a single mom during the long days and months of his projects.  I didn’t sign up to the be the main caretaker of a teenage step-daughter.  I didn’t sign up for my boys to not see their dad except on weekends for weeks at a time.  I didn’t sign up to have my husband rise before the sun and not get home until well after it had set.

No.  I definitely didn’t sign up for this.

Sometimes I see other people’s lives and get envious.  Their husbands are home every single night for dinner.  Their husbands could actually make it home in less than 90 minutes.  The entire week I was due with our second son my husband was a worried mess because if I were to go into labor there would be no actual way he could make it home in time to take me to the hospital, maybe not even see our son be born.  And for those who have never traversed the dreaded 91, 405, or 5…count your blessings!

I’m ashamed that I feel this way.  It’s like when someone tells you to not complain about your sleepless baby because at least you have a baby.  And yes, I am THANKFUL, for what I have.  It’s just hard.  I get lonely.  The wife of any commuter will attest to that.

If you or your husband commutes, just know that you aren’t alone.

And it is okay to have those feelings.

Whether you intentionally signed up or not, this is your reality.  I’ve come to realize that although I didn’t sign up for some things, I signed up forever.  Just like moms married to men that are in the army or perhaps truck drivers.

We all make it work because our family is the most important.