Moms Often Silently Grieve

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silently grieve

An open letter to all the moms who silently grieve:

Dear those of you silently hurting,

Years ago there was a campaign in the mental health profession to help the “Silent Grievers”, at the time this referred to children.  The campaign led to resources and public knowledge. Now people think about children grieving too and they are no longer silent.

As a mom who is also a therapist, I have become acutely aware that there is a new group in need of a campaign for “Silent Grievers”, those experiencing challenges and losses that can occur when growing a family. 

Society has not caught up with the needs of those experiencing these kinds of losses.  Infertility, miscarriage, fetal demise, stillbirth. We all know the words, we all know someone who has been there, maybe we have, but no one is talking about it. Those that do acknowledge the loss of these life transitions usually focus on the mom or mom-to-be.  But we know dads, grandparents, siblings, extended family, and friends grieve too. Well-meaning people may try to minimize your loss and say less than helpful things such as: “you can always adopt,” “at least it happened now and not when he was a real person,” “God needed another angel” and “maybe it wasn’t meant to be.” just to name a few.

I want you to know your loss is real. It hurts me as a mom and as a professional when your loss is minimized. To heal this loss it must be validated, talked about, and nurtured.

We talk about the loss of loved ones having no timeline and being unique to the individual. But why hasn’t society realized this pertains to all grief?  Nobody questions someone grieving the loss of a parent for a year or more, or honoring anniversaries of death going forward long after that, in fact, we often join them in the ritual.

And what about other pregnancy-related grief? Did you grieve not having the perfect pregnancy? Are you grieving your joy because you developed depression during pregnancy or after? Did you grieve the dream of the perfect child when you found out she had special needs? Are you grieving your natural home birth when the baby wouldn’t turn and you had to have a C-section?

There are so many losses that no one talks about, no one validates.  I’m here to say you deserve to grieve, you deserve to hurt, and you deserve to HEAL. 

Those of you who have dealt with these types of losses know that you often grieve alone.  You do not have to! You deserve the support you need.

I’m angry.

I’m angry that our society isn’t more progressive when it comes to loss. I’m angry you feel alone in your grief.

Please, silent grievers, don’t stay silent.  

Tell someone, tell everyone, tell me. Ask for help, ask for support. Explain you don’t need them to understand but just to empathize and be there for you. Sometimes it is easier to seek support and talk to someone outside of your “circle of love”, as I call it. Find a counselor you are comfortable with, find a support group. The first step in healing is acceptance.  It is normal to grieve. You will get through this, you are not alone. I empathize with you and your loss. I stand with you. I am speaking out as loud and as long as I have to until the silence is broken.

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I grew up in Orange County then went to Los Angeles (with a short detour in Santa Barbara) for college and spent the next 12 years there thinking that was home until I met my amazing, now husband on Jdate.com and moved back here to start our life together. I have a young son and daughter that are two years apart. They are thick as thieves and keep us laughing. I worked in Hospice care for 15 years and now I take Working Mom to a whole new dimension with a private mental health practice www.melissafishergoldman.com. I worked hard with many jobs hustling for many years to grow my own business. I'm proud to say I'm helping people in my own office full time. The decision to quit my full time job working for some one else and to work towards creating much needed grief, trauma and self esteem support in Orange County fills my soul. I may not spend 24/7 with my kids but I plan to be role model to them and the time we have is all about quality not quantity. I'm working on a life/work balance but I find this is much easier when I love all aspects of my life and work and self.