There’s a song that sometimes pops into my head. The lyrics go something like
you’re only. you’re only seventeen. you’re only. you’re only seventeen.
It’s almost like I actually have little characters inside my head who throw that song into my brain like in the movie Inside Out. For whatever reason, that song takes me back to high school. To truly only being seventeen. I remember having this feeling of excitement about my future. There was so much to learn, to try, to do and to explore. The future was going to be amazing, I just knew it.
And it was.
College was amazing. Moving to California on a hope and a prayer was for the most part amazing.
However, something in the midst of getting married and having kids and becoming a stay-at-home mom has left me feeling less than amazing. In fact, I feel like I’m drowning. I’m barely able to keep my head above water.
Every single time I do something wrong it feels like another wave pounding me back under the water. Things like forgetting my sons’s share day object, forgetting the RIGHT share day object, forgetting that it’s picture day, not picking up all of the ingredients for a recipe, not reading enough to my kids at night, catching myself scrolling aimlessly on Facebook, to just name a few.
On top of feeling like I’ve completely lost my mind, I simply can’t figure out how to get it all done.
How do I get all of my work done without letting my kids feel like I’m not paying enough attention to them? How do I chat with a friend who lives far away without feeling like I should have cleaned the bathroom? When can I schedule in a workout, a play date and a date night in between the pick-ups and drop-offs and practices and doctor appointment and the list goes on and on.
I’m not trying to be perfect, I’m drowning and I can’t stop sinking.
As a seventeen-year-old, I thought that life would simply get easier once I became a full-fledged adult. I wouldn’t have all of that dreaded homework that plagued my evenings and weekends. I would be doing a job that I loved rather than rewinding videotapes at the local video store. (Yes, we actually rewound them for you.) I truly didn’t and couldn’t understand the weight of caring for another human being(s).
I know a lot of the pressure comes from within. I can’t do everything on my own. I do pray. I pray a lot. But I can’t help feeling like nothing I ever do is done well. I hate feeling like I’m giving less than 100%. I know I’m in the trenches with little ones, but I don’t know if I will ever get out of them. Instead of the excitement for the future that I once had all I can see now is more busyness and even less time to get anything done.
For now, I’ll keep juggling my plates, and praying oh so very hard that I don’t drop one.