Afraid to Vacation?

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vacation

I got out of my dad’s car and kissed the sidewalk in an attempt to make light of the fact that I was a wreck leading up to this trip. I made it home alive from a “kid-free” trip to Mexico.  I didn’t kiss the sidewalk because of surviving Mexico.  I know a lot of people have reservations about traveling south of the border.  I did it because all my thoughts, fears, and anxiety leading up to this trip led me to believe that something bad was going to happen.

I haven’t taken too many kid-free trips since I had my littlest one, and I have taken zero trips without my husband.  So this was a first for me.

I was husbandless and kidless with my best friend and dad.  I had butterflies the whole way home. I was so excited to kiss my baby and see her chubby cheeks and sponge bob teeth smiling at me.  When I arrived at my mom’s house she was napping.   Although disappointed, this allowed me to unpack and rest a bit so I could give her all of my attention when she woke up.

Well as much as you can muster up with a slight hangover.  I was in Mexico after all “kid-free”!!

I have several friends and many Facebook friends that take a fair amount of these” kid-free” trips.  I’m not judging whatsoever, I’m envious! We all have read enough articles that tell us that it is healthy and crucial for a marriage to have alone time and a break from your children. So taking a trip occasionally is a no brainer. Right?

Well, it turns out it is not that easy.

When I was planning the trip I was beyond excited. I was already coordinating out my outfits and dreaming about what cocktail I would be holding in my hand while floating in the resort pool and staring at the ocean. As the trip approached, this overwhelming feeling started to loom over me like a monsoon.

That anxious brain of mine tried to ruin my upcoming trip.  Awful, morbid thoughts had me obsessing over my own mortality and how it would affect my loved ones. What if I die on this trip? What if I get into a car accident or my plane crashes?

What if my husband has to come rescue me Liam Neeson style?

I thought of every scenario you can imagine. I almost talked myself out of going.  The morning before the trip, I said to my mom, I don’t want to go. I was weepy, moody, and overly affectionate to my girls.

What if I don’t come home? What if my babies don’t have a mom anymore because I went on a vacation? How will my husband raise them without me? I felt anxious and selfish. I wondered if these thoughts were a sign. Should I be trusting my intuition?  I didn’t want to let my best friend or my dad down.   I was a wreck in the car. Every time my dad went to pass a car, I was holding on to the bar for dear life! He is the best driver I have ever driven with but drives like an Earnhardt.  Wait didn’t one of them die in a car accident?

As soon as we arrived in Mexico and opened the door to the breathtaking ocean view, all my worries were gone. I felt absolutely no anxiety. I made it and I’m alive!  We had uninterrupted conversation, dinners without having to walk outside with a toddler, sleep and more sleep, really long showers, and lots of Mexican food with Margaritas. Maybe I had died and gone to heaven after all.  I Face-timed with my youngest every day and continued to have no anxiety.  It was relaxing and not long enough.  How’s that for a 180?

I feel incredibly lucky and blessed to have a fabulous mom, amazing in-laws, and husband that I trust more than anyone to take care of our children.  Without them, I would not be able to have these breaks, that I realized, I really do need.  I highly recommend getting away if you can.  It probably sounds pretty cliché but it really does make you appreciate all the craziness of your everyday life.

I missed my girls and husband so much.  You come back refreshed, more patient (this one doesn’t last long),  incredibly excited to snuggle your babies, tan, and ready to take on the monotony of “everyday” life.  I really do need that monotony.  I love a good routine. I kind of crave it.  As for the extreme morbid thoughts I had – I have no answer about that.  Medication maybe?  I am who I am.  It didn’t stop me from leaving, so that’s a good thing.

Oh, and I didn’t actually kiss the sidewalk!  I’m not crazy!! I grew up in Arizona and you can actually fry an egg on the pavement.

afraid to vacation

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I was born in Orange County, raised in Arizona, and now I’m back! Five years ago I was living in Arizona, raising my daughter as a single mom, and working in the volatile mortgage industry. I could have never dreamed of what was in store for my future. I reconnected with an old friend on Facebook, whom I ended up dating long distance for two whirlwind years. I then took a leap of faith and relocated my daughter and I to Los Angeles to marry the love of my life. We lived in LA for just two short years when we decided to move back to my husbands home town of Yorba Linda, Ca. We had our daughter Teagan a year later and became a family of four. I thoroughly enjoy making people laugh and am typically being louder than I realize. Currently, I am pursuing my real estate license while being a stay at home mom. I love lipstick, my mom friends, play dates, singing, cooking, entertaining, lunch and dinners at the beach (I will forever be a tourist) and drinking margaritas and wine.