As I lay on my bed and stare at my wedding pictures hanging on the wall, I feel as if I’m looking at a stranger’s photos. It seems like a lifetime away that my husband and I were that fresh, tan, and energetic couple ready to go on their honeymoon. It was only three years ago. I would pay big bucks to re-live that day.
Now, we are parents. My precious baby boy is almost 8 months old and he has changed our lives drastically.
I knew having a baby would change our lives, but I didn’t quite understand the extent of it. I guess it’s not possible to understand it until you experience it. The couple in those photos doesn’t exist anymore. That girl would be so upset if she didn’t get nine hours of sleep each night. She would come home from work and collapse on the couch and take a long nap; sometimes she would just sleep until the next morning. That couple showered often, went on long walks to connect with each other, had homemade meals regularly, and relaxed whenever they wanted or needed (can you tell we are a bit sleep deprived?) He brought her coffee to work to be romantic and left notes on her car in the morning to surprise her and tell her he loved her.
Post-baby, that couple is always tired. They usually smell, rarely make dinners, and go on long walks mainly to kill time before their baby’s bedtime. Her feet and back constantly ache and she can no longer nap or fall asleep at night without the aid of medicine. In order to get out of the house, she has to pump, pack a diaper bag, change a diaper, load a baby into a car seat, throw the stroller in the back, and make sure to remember her phone, purse, and coffee. By the time the baby is in the car, she is exhausted. She spends way too much money at Starbucks and Target and is barely squeezing into her old clothes. She doesn’t care as much as she should because she is still ordering a mocha latte and eating chocolate croissants. “You just have to survive this day” has become her mantra. She tells herself she will lose the pounds later, work on the budget later, clean the bathroom floors later, and you get the picture.
This girl’s house is messy, bathrooms are disgusting, and she is constantly obsessing about sleep. She wonders if she would have known how hard it was going to be if she still would have done it. When her friends get pregnant, she wants to warn them of the major life change heading her way, but know it won’t matter because NOTHING can prepare you for having a baby. No books. Not blogs. Not parenting classes. Not even a degree. It. Is. Tough.
BUT, then there is the other side of this crazy life. The bright side. The reason why people keep doing this over and over.
There is a small baby human whose life is sustained through the nourishment of my body. He snuggles me when he’s tired and I hold him tight and sing in his ear while kissing his forehead. I’m in heaven. He giggles when you kiss his tummy and his smiles will melt your heart. That little grin makes me feel like I’m doing something right. He stares at me with wonder as if I’m the most interesting person he’s ever seen. He laughs at me and thinks I’m hilarious. I have been trusted to protect and love this precious little soul and there is truly no greater honor.
When we are driving and I reach back to comfort him, I feel the softest chubbiest hand pull my hand close to the softest chubbiest cheeks. My hand comforts him. When I go into his room after his nap and he smiles at me and claps his hands, I’m done. When he hits a new milestone, my heart beams with pride. I must be doing something right. And when I lay him down to sleep at night after a long exhausting day, I kiss him and kiss him and tell him I love him. He is worth it. He is worth every tear, every second of sleep lost, every dollar, every pound, every cup of coffee, and every long walk. He is worth it.
