I saw an ad for a Mommy & Me mini photo shoot pop up in my newsfeed and my first thought was oh yes, I should totally do this! And then my second thought was oh, no I can’t. I’m too fat. And so instead of booking an appointment, I ate leftover Easter candy.
I’m pretty embarrassed to admit it, but it’s the truth. When I look in the mirror all I see is a giant. A person who is huge, too big to have their photo taken. Doesn’t help that I still haven’t lost the baby weight from my second child who will turn two in two weeks.
This phobia has been living with me since I was a young girl. I distinctly remember a childhood friend laughing at me because my thighs were bigger than hers.
And from there the beast of body insecurity set in and never let go.
In high school, I would have anxiety about team t-shirts and uniforms. I knew my photo would be taken in those shirts and if I didn’t get a large or extra large I would panic. I wasn’t the skinny mini, I wasn’t the stick figure I was the girl with large thighs and a pot belly. So, if I had to get my photo taken I had to get something that wouldn’t be skin tight!
Every photo of me that I have ever seen I have scrutinized until I can’t take it any longer.
I even put off getting family photos taken because I think if I can just lose that last 15 pounds the picture will be worth putting up on our walls. But I never look good enough to make that phone call. And so we don’t have a family photo.
The fact that I am in my mid-thirties and still scared to get my photo taken, even for my children, makes me so ashamed.
I’ve read countless articles about why it is important to take those photos, to make those memories, to flipping GET IN THE PICTURE! But the fear is crippling.
I look at pictures of my family growing up and not one single time have I ever looked at my mother and thought, why did she get her picture taken she doesn’t have the perfect body! NOT ONCE!
All I see is my mom! She’s perfect to me. I would be heartbroken if I woke up one day and didn’t have a picture of us together because she was afraid of the camera.
I think my kids would be too.