I’d Like To Order One Family-Size Bubble Please

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family size bubble

Does anyone know where I can buy a family-size bubble?  I would like to stick everyone I love in a bubble and keep them safe, is that too much to ask?

We all worry. I actually worry about the small stuff a lot less than the average Joe. If you are one of my Blog Groupies (I’m pretty sure I don’t have blog groupies but a girl can dream) you know that I was often mistaken for a mother on round two or three when I had my first because I didn’t sweat the small stuff. 

Well here is a little secret…I sweat the big stuff!

Look, I’m a grief counselor. I’ve worked in hospitals and hospices. I also had five-year-old family member fight a brain tumor for five years and die at age ten. I have seen the big stuff and I see the big stuff. I get paid all day to help people not succumb to their anxious thoughts, but I’m human and sometimes I don’t succeed at this myself. Maybe it was the nerves leading up to this year’s Camp Erin Orange County.

Maybe it was having a new baby at home and judging that I wasn’t adjusting to having two. Or maybe it was that said new baby rolled off the ottoman where I was changing her and slipped right through my hands (I cried more than she did).

It doesn’t matter the reason I guess, but a couple weeks ago I had a dream I just can’t shake.

It lasted about 90 seconds and was just a quick scene, no build up, no aftermath. My son died in the dream. My eyes opened the second it happened and I instantly knew it was a dream and that using basic physics the scenario was pretty much impossible, but a similar scenario wasn’t. (Disclaimer: I got an A in high school physics but my egg nesting on a bed of marshmallows inside a milk carton only made it to round two of the egg drop competition.) 

Sorry that was my attempt to add humor to a not-so-funny story. Because, you see, after this 90 second dream that I instantly knew wasn’t real, the visual was so fresh in my brain and the sound his little head made echoed in my ears that I had a physical reaction. I immediately ran to the bathroom and threw up. I got back in bed (did I mention my husband was on a business trip?) and I did some deep breathing. Then I turned on the TV to try and get a different image in my head.  

It stayed with me for days, even typing this out is making my stomach turn.

I knew he was safe in the moment. I didn’t even go to his room that night because it wasn’t about now. It was about the future, the “what if.”

I can go worst case scenario with the best of them. I like to be prepared: what would I do, who would I call, how would I cope. This scenario though, I had nothing. I don’t want to think about all the awful things that can happen in the world. I don’t want to worry, but I do.

I read the other day that the leading cause of unintentional death of a child 0-5 is drowning. You know what we did that day after I read the article? We went swimming at grandma and grandpa’s.

I refuse to let my fear hold me back. I will not let a world of “what if’s” have power over me.  

But dear God I wish I had a bubble! 

I wish I could keep everyone I love safe from harm, safe from disappointment, and safe from hate.

I have no family-size bubble.

What I do have is love, support, compassion, strength, and hope. That will have to be enough.

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I grew up in Orange County then went to Los Angeles (with a short detour in Santa Barbara) for college and spent the next 12 years there thinking that was home until I met my amazing, now husband on Jdate.com and moved back here to start our life together. I have a young son and daughter that are two years apart. They are thick as thieves and keep us laughing. I worked in Hospice care for 15 years and now I take Working Mom to a whole new dimension with a private mental health practice www.melissafishergoldman.com. I worked hard with many jobs hustling for many years to grow my own business. I'm proud to say I'm helping people in my own office full time. The decision to quit my full time job working for some one else and to work towards creating much needed grief, trauma and self esteem support in Orange County fills my soul. I may not spend 24/7 with my kids but I plan to be role model to them and the time we have is all about quality not quantity. I'm working on a life/work balance but I find this is much easier when I love all aspects of my life and work and self.