In the past few years, I have seen some of the people I love dearest experience grief.
More recently I experienced it myself, and it has changed me in a way I think will be forever. I lost my dearest friend. Life will never be the same. And yet, I must still live.
The thing I have learned the most is that no matter who we are, or who we lose, everyone deals with grief differently and that’s okay.
When someone dies, people who knew them, and often people who didn’t will say how sad it is, how sorry they are. They will be sad for a while, and then they will carry on as normal. I know this has been the case for me before. “Oh, her husband passed away, that’s so sad, I feel awful for her, I hope she can find some peace with time” I remember thinking it, but not really understanding how it felt to lose someone. I don’t think anyone can understand how it feels until it happens to them.
The people who love them, they go through an entirely different process. I know they say there are stages of grief, and in my experience, they are much more pronounced when someone dies young or suddenly. The shock of hearing the news that someone you love has died is heart-wrenching.
Denial often sets in; I only saw her this morning, he sent me a text last week, this can’t have happened.
Anger hits some people fiercely; it isn’t fair, how could they leave me, who is to blame for this.
Sadness is profound: I wish I had just told her this one thing, why did this have to happen, I miss him so much.
Sometimes people question their faith or lose faith altogether for a time.
Acceptance is the hardest one, and in my personal experience, it can take a long time to get to this point. Accepting that someone who means so much to you isn’t going to walk through the door, or call, or make you laugh again hurts.
The kind of hurt that can’t be described, actual physical pain that doesn’t go away no matter how hard you try.
Love though, love is always there; isn’t love the strongest and most powerful emotion when you lose someone? When you love someone you want to talk about them, to hear their name and maybe share stories about them. Don’t be frightened to use the name of someone who is no longer with us when talking to their loved ones.
As time goes on, the fear that they will be forgotten sets in; using their name is important. Not everyone wants to talk about someone they have lost, but by using their name you are acknowledging their life and that’s powerful.
It’s been 6 months since my beautiful friend left us. I still can’t say the word ‘died’. Maybe I never will. But I look at her photo every day, I talk to her, I think of her family and the ones she left behind who love her like I do, and I promise myself I will always say her name, I will always remember the amazing fun we had, and I will never forget the sound of her voice. This one’s for you, Princess! Love you lots like jelly tots.
