My Child Has ADHD And It Brings Out the Worst in Me

I’m not the mom I want to be. Not even close. And I’m not talking about how I see “perfect” moms on social media and I lament that I can’t “do it all.” Sure, I have those days and those thoughts all the time. Don’t we all?

But this time, I’m talking about how there are parts of me that come out when I’m trying to parent my son that are ugly. They represent the worst of my own upbringing which I have tried to actively work against most of my adult life. It’s not to the point that I’m abusive, thank goodness, but I definitely don’t like myself in these moments.

Over the past year, we have struggled with some behavioral problems with our oldest.

My husband and I went back and forth asking ourselves if this was “normal” six year old behavior or if there was something more going on. Being the mental health professional that I am, I fought for a psychological evaluation. My husband was more cautious, but I think some of that was related to stigma. We didn’t want our boy to be treated differently by teachers, parents, and peers.

And if we didn’t look too closely, we could ignore most of it.

We ultimately decided to get an evaluation late last year. It was a pretty seamless process and it was completely covered by insurance which was nice. The results indicated what I already suspected—that my child has ADHD – Inattentive Type. This part wasn’t a problem and it was something that I freely shared with the school, other parents, and really anyone who asked.

We don’t hide our vulnerabilities in our family. We choose to break down stigma by owning what makes us unique.

To his credit, my son has had a very mature response to finding out that his brain works a little bit differently. And his test results also revealed many strengths that put things into perspective. He’s a smart, funny, and creative little boy and he will go on to do great things, I’m sure of it.

But right now, we need to get through the weeds.

It has helped to talk to other parents who get it, and I am forever grateful for their support. And I can only imagine what our lives could be like if there were more severe behavioral problems in the mix. To those parents experiencing this, I feel for you, and I want to wrap you in a hug. We are “lucky” in that most of my son’s struggles are fairly contained. For most of the day, he is a wonderful little human and I truly enjoy spending time with him.

And then, there’s the witching hour.

After his energy wanes and he loses the ability to control his impulses, he becomes a feral child that turns me into a screaming monster of a mom. If there are any tasks that are asked of him, he becomes defiant. And if there are any cognitively intensive exercises in front of him, he becomes pitiful in his protests. He takes hours to do basic homework and he complains about absolutely everything.

In my frustration, I yell. A lot. I threaten. A lot.

I make promises I can’t keep and bribe with things that go against my values as a parent all to keep the peace, bring down the chaos, and get the task completed. Most nights end in a time out and my son runs crying to his room in frustration and anger.

In his worst moments, he makes self-defeating statements that break my heart like “I’m a brat” and “you don’t love me anymore.”

Of course I calm these fears and we spend a lot of time processing feelings. I am not too worried yet that these thoughts are indicative of a larger emotional problem, but I know that the statistics are not on my side.

Right now, these meltdowns thankfully only occur at home. But my son has started to get noticed at school in ways that make me want to shelter him forever from the world. He has developed facial tics which I’m guessing are a part of Tourette’s Syndrome which often occurs in conjunction when a child has ADHD. He will blink aggressively several times in a row, and it is noticeable by his peers. I know he can’t control it, and I worry about what might come next.

I don’t want my child to be ostracized or treated differently. And yet, I know that kids can be cruel when a child has ADHD and doesn’t fit in because of it.

Today I broke down and scheduled an appointment with a pediatric psychiatrist to talk about our next steps. I know that medication can be a game changer, and I will do what I can to help my baby thrive.

I can intellectualize the heck out of all this, but in my darker moments, I find myself crying because two out of three of my children are not neurotypical. I shake these thoughts quickly because of course, things could be a LOT worse. But mostly, I just want a few days of calm here and there.

I don’t want to be a “mean mommy.”

I don’t like what ADHD makes me become because I can’t cope with the special needs of my child. I don’t like how mad I get and how I invariably take it out on my baby. My husband is following this same path, and he has the patience of a saint. My hope is that our family can learn how to be better for each other.

I want to become better for my baby. And right now, I’m not there yet.